I have, what I like to think as, a modern marriage.  We split everyday tasks and chores evenly.  Traditional roles did not suit us and so we didn’t go down that road.  When we became parents, all of that shifted.  The duties did not fall evenly on our shoulders starting with pregnancy.  I don’t need to explain how lopsided that journey was. Our modern marriage made my transition to being a mom jarring.  What was a balanced relationship suddenly resembled a marriage from our parent’s generation. I was staying at home, doing mindless housework, not having adult interaction and Matt left the house each day to go do work that he was educated to do.

My husband hasn’t had it easy but he has had it different.  He has been working long hours which wears him down.  Meanwhile, my life has seemed like groundhog day lately.  The same day happens over and over again.  The same fits, the same long hours, the same messes to clean up, the same messes to clean up, and the same messes to clean up. I ask sir to put on his shoes 1,000 times a day.  So today I decide I will just do it…  He takes them off so he can do it himself.  

This is insanity.  

I want to slink out of my body, out of my mind, out of this role.  It all feels so uncomfortable, like sitting for too many hours on a folding chair.  My legs are sticking to the metal, and my tailbone might bust through.  

I am eating a cold Easter dinner, intended to be delicious but it’s missing the mark.

The thing is, I love this little family and there is no one in the world I would rather be spending my days with.  My husband is a gem.  Really.  I got a good one in many many ways.  He is the yin to my yang. He is the type of guy that is all in, has no hesitation in baby wearing or wearing an Elf costume to our son’s third birthday party, let alone changing diapers or spending all of his spare time with our kids.

It makes me feel conflicted about what an escape might look like.  

I had a revelation, it isn’t that I don’t want this life, it is just that I want a different perspective…

I want to be the daddy instead of the mommy.  

-I want to be the distant second choice in the middle of the night for the baby that needs nursing and the toddler that wants to snuggle to fall back asleep.  

-I want to be the first choice for play time, for lofting little ones into the air and for playing pretend with.  

-I want credit for being an excellent parent just by being present.  

-I want to to be brave enough to venture to Target without a diaper bag.  

-I want to get dressed in the same clothes that I wore before children.

-I want to lay down, turn my mind off, and go to sleep.  

-I want to be the one with more patience.  

-I want to be able to be away from my kids for more than a couple of hours without finding a place to pump.  

-I want the possibility of going on a bender.

-I want to not be the one in the relationship that worries about birth control.  

-I want something in my voice to make my kids know that I mean business and results in compliance.

I know the role I play in my marriage doesn’t look the same for everyone and trading places for you would look very different, but wouldn’t it be nice?  This isn’t about penis envy or that I think my job is harder, but I would like to give the daddy business a go, just to see.  Just a small respite from being the mom.